Dick Farts
Has anyone ever told you that you look like someone else? If so, maybe this story will be relatively relatable.
As some of you may already be aware, I frequent the Santa Rosa skatepark, and have for years, and years and years, and years. Anyway, the park has, over these years, become home to many a scumbag, juvenile delinquent, and all life-forms in between. For this reason many out-of-towners have been startled when they arrive at the park and find twelve year old kids puking up 40's of OE, middle-aged alcoholic/tweeker transients calling the paramedics cuz they think their liver is on the verge of erupting, thirty person juggalo versus gangster brawls, etc. So, if you can imagine, the new generation of kids that skate Rosa park are a bit more hardened/apathetic than the average suburbanite. Personally, I have seen a lot of crazy crazy shit going down skating out in the streets, but for one reason or another, lurkers in Rosa really seem to take the cake...and on a more frequent basis. They are truly not to be fucked with.
One particular midget, of about 14 years, taught me the hard way that if you are attempting to get your name out there, you might want to be nice to every kid that you come across, even if you are just fucking around(Flowman Tip #1).
It all started harmlessly when this kid, we'll call him Jacob, came up to me at the park and said, "Hey has anyone ever told you that you look like Ben Stiller?"
I replied, "Hell to the no, fool." Though I, unfortunately, had been told that before. Which is whatevs, cuz he's married to that hot-ass beezy from that throwback Nickelodeon show "Hey Dude". Anyway, I shrugged it off and kept skating, not really thinking anything of it. Well, to my surprise, when I checked my Myspace page later that night, I saw that Jacob had posted this as a comment on my profile
"U LOOK LIKE BEN STILLER."
Again, whatevs...not a big deal, I could really care less, even if I did look like him, which I don't.
As time went on, each time that I would see Jacob at the park the first thing that he would say to me was, "Ha ha, you look like Ben Stiller." Which, coming from a 14-year-old, is not that hurtful. He and his crew, about five to six midgets deep, skate the park almost everyday, and when I see them there, I make a conscious effort to heckle them, as this was the way that the older dudes at the park used to treat me when I was their age. It is, of course, all in good spirit, cuz I know that this sort of heckling definitely helped me to grow into the G that I be today. I am just trying to help groom these youngsters, ya know, show 'em wasshup.
Anyway, yesterday, my friend Nate was skating through the park and as he passed Jacob, he slowed up and squeezed out a puke-butt, oxygen molecule destroying fart right on his chest which, since he's about 14, is basically ass-level. This little fool was bummed. He was all, "Fuck you Nate I'll fart on your face!" Ouch, what a midget response to getting pooted on. I continued the teasing by mocking Jacob's voice and saying things like,
"I'll queef in your ear," and "Dude I'll shit on your nuts," or "I'm gonna pee in your butt." Obviously kidding, in the most mature manner that I knew how.
At this point Jacob was kinda laughing. So I asked him a simple question as he writhed in the stink offered upon him by Nasty Nate. "What do you think smells WORSE, a fart from a butt, or a fart from a dick?"
Jacob answered quickly, "A fart from a butt."
I broke into laughter, "Ha ha, you like the smell of dicks.....ha ha ha."
"Not ahh, fuck you, you like the smell of dick farts in your face," Jacob responded angrily. I laughed and the conversation ended soon thereafter with everyone involved not really thinking much of anything about what had just been said. Or, so I
thought....dun dun duh.
I continued to shred the park for another fifteen minutes and then bounced. Before leaving I said "later" to all the scumbags, and the midgets, Jacob included. At that point, Jacob was still in good spirits and seemingly unaffected by what had been said earlier, as he and his friends are always talking some crazy shit like rugrats seem to do these days.
Well, don't be fooled, and most definitely do not take these kids for granted....they are witty, scummy and knowledgeable when it comes to the use of today's technologies.
Late last night, as I sat on my computer checking e-mails and shit, I again logged onto Myspace. I noticed that I had some new comments, messages, friend requests, and things. Well, as I checked my new comments I found something very surprising. This kid searched the depths of the Toebock site archives and came up with this photo of me jokingly eating ice cream in Seattle...
Jacob then used paint (the midget's version of Photoshop) to create this masterpiece.
Although it is harmless, I wasn't that hyped and tried to delete the comment from my profile....it didn't work. I then noticed that he had posted the picture on he and his "friends" fake Myspace account and posted a bulletin with the subject, "HEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Please comment on my new pics.....Which appeared on all 22 of their friend's Bulletin Space's. I tried several times, but Myspace wouldn't allow me to delete this photo and just redirected me to a shop free at Macy's bullshit, Google error Not Found page.
There was no way I was just gonna let this end like that. I then, sent Jacob a message telling him that I reported the photo to the Myspace police as child porn, which I hadn't actually done. You see, Jacob is supposed to be moving with his family to New York next month. I told him that he isn't going to New York now, instead he's going to jail....
His reply, "my freind chris danny and efram are using that (page the photo was posted on) to talk shit to people and their hella gay but ya u like dick farts." He wasn't scared even slightly. Jacob then casually messaged me, "ay fuck u hahahahaha but that was hella funny do u think before i move wich is on the 5th of march u can get me some black and white leo romeros size 8 u know like a go away present."
What the Fuck?????
Shit, I guess he earned them....
The future of the United Scumbags of Santa Rosa (U.S.S.R.) sure looks bright.....or clouded and foamy.
-Kehoe
As some of you may already be aware, I frequent the Santa Rosa skatepark, and have for years, and years and years, and years. Anyway, the park has, over these years, become home to many a scumbag, juvenile delinquent, and all life-forms in between. For this reason many out-of-towners have been startled when they arrive at the park and find twelve year old kids puking up 40's of OE, middle-aged alcoholic/tweeker transients calling the paramedics cuz they think their liver is on the verge of erupting, thirty person juggalo versus gangster brawls, etc. So, if you can imagine, the new generation of kids that skate Rosa park are a bit more hardened/apathetic than the average suburbanite. Personally, I have seen a lot of crazy crazy shit going down skating out in the streets, but for one reason or another, lurkers in Rosa really seem to take the cake...and on a more frequent basis. They are truly not to be fucked with.
One particular midget, of about 14 years, taught me the hard way that if you are attempting to get your name out there, you might want to be nice to every kid that you come across, even if you are just fucking around(Flowman Tip #1).
It all started harmlessly when this kid, we'll call him Jacob, came up to me at the park and said, "Hey has anyone ever told you that you look like Ben Stiller?"
I replied, "Hell to the no, fool." Though I, unfortunately, had been told that before. Which is whatevs, cuz he's married to that hot-ass beezy from that throwback Nickelodeon show "Hey Dude". Anyway, I shrugged it off and kept skating, not really thinking anything of it. Well, to my surprise, when I checked my Myspace page later that night, I saw that Jacob had posted this as a comment on my profile
"U LOOK LIKE BEN STILLER."
Again, whatevs...not a big deal, I could really care less, even if I did look like him, which I don't.
As time went on, each time that I would see Jacob at the park the first thing that he would say to me was, "Ha ha, you look like Ben Stiller." Which, coming from a 14-year-old, is not that hurtful. He and his crew, about five to six midgets deep, skate the park almost everyday, and when I see them there, I make a conscious effort to heckle them, as this was the way that the older dudes at the park used to treat me when I was their age. It is, of course, all in good spirit, cuz I know that this sort of heckling definitely helped me to grow into the G that I be today. I am just trying to help groom these youngsters, ya know, show 'em wasshup.
Anyway, yesterday, my friend Nate was skating through the park and as he passed Jacob, he slowed up and squeezed out a puke-butt, oxygen molecule destroying fart right on his chest which, since he's about 14, is basically ass-level. This little fool was bummed. He was all, "Fuck you Nate I'll fart on your face!" Ouch, what a midget response to getting pooted on. I continued the teasing by mocking Jacob's voice and saying things like,
"I'll queef in your ear," and "Dude I'll shit on your nuts," or "I'm gonna pee in your butt." Obviously kidding, in the most mature manner that I knew how.
At this point Jacob was kinda laughing. So I asked him a simple question as he writhed in the stink offered upon him by Nasty Nate. "What do you think smells WORSE, a fart from a butt, or a fart from a dick?"
Jacob answered quickly, "A fart from a butt."
I broke into laughter, "Ha ha, you like the smell of dicks.....ha ha ha."
"Not ahh, fuck you, you like the smell of dick farts in your face," Jacob responded angrily. I laughed and the conversation ended soon thereafter with everyone involved not really thinking much of anything about what had just been said. Or, so I
thought....dun dun duh.
I continued to shred the park for another fifteen minutes and then bounced. Before leaving I said "later" to all the scumbags, and the midgets, Jacob included. At that point, Jacob was still in good spirits and seemingly unaffected by what had been said earlier, as he and his friends are always talking some crazy shit like rugrats seem to do these days.
Well, don't be fooled, and most definitely do not take these kids for granted....they are witty, scummy and knowledgeable when it comes to the use of today's technologies.
Late last night, as I sat on my computer checking e-mails and shit, I again logged onto Myspace. I noticed that I had some new comments, messages, friend requests, and things. Well, as I checked my new comments I found something very surprising. This kid searched the depths of the Toebock site archives and came up with this photo of me jokingly eating ice cream in Seattle...
Jacob then used paint (the midget's version of Photoshop) to create this masterpiece.
Although it is harmless, I wasn't that hyped and tried to delete the comment from my profile....it didn't work. I then noticed that he had posted the picture on he and his "friends" fake Myspace account and posted a bulletin with the subject, "HEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Please comment on my new pics.....Which appeared on all 22 of their friend's Bulletin Space's. I tried several times, but Myspace wouldn't allow me to delete this photo and just redirected me to a shop free at Macy's bullshit, Google error Not Found page.
There was no way I was just gonna let this end like that. I then, sent Jacob a message telling him that I reported the photo to the Myspace police as child porn, which I hadn't actually done. You see, Jacob is supposed to be moving with his family to New York next month. I told him that he isn't going to New York now, instead he's going to jail....
His reply, "my freind chris danny and efram are using that (page the photo was posted on) to talk shit to people and their hella gay but ya u like dick farts." He wasn't scared even slightly. Jacob then casually messaged me, "ay fuck u hahahahaha but that was hella funny do u think before i move wich is on the 5th of march u can get me some black and white leo romeros size 8 u know like a go away present."
What the Fuck?????
Shit, I guess he earned them....
The future of the United Scumbags of Santa Rosa (U.S.S.R.) sure looks bright.....or clouded and foamy.
-Kehoe
Labels: dick fart, flowman, midgets, santa rosa skatepark and ussr
